from myheart to yours

From my heart to yours

Guest Blog: This is a guest blog submitted by my good friend Stephanie (name changed) where she writes a heart touching letter to her best friend and her lover. ‘From My Heart To Yours’ is a story of two best friends who knew they are madly in love with one another yet circumstances don’t allow them to be together. From my heart to yours I grew up believing Love was supposed to be a perfect fit that our arms held on to every answer like a pinky holds a promise. We are two separate people but have a bond so deep that pulls anxieties and insecurities at ease. And just ‘Love’ is enough. I try to pretend that if I don’t say your name out loud you don’t exist but then you go and say mine. Sometimes love ebbs and flows. It lulls, it jolts, it takes off like a bee in the summer wind. Love now feels like flying when you’re not even sure you can enjoy it. There is the wind And the sky And the freedom But there is also the fear of hitting the ground. Don’t know where we are heading from here. But we also don’t see any reasons to stay. “You”, you will always be the best thing that will ever happen to me. You smell like sunshine. It fills my nose with hope, that maybe this something beautiful would stay. You gave me a new story. One if you were there no one else was. But oh! You are fire who fear the cold and I am ice who crave the burn. I always had a hard time accepting that I had to just let it ride. You know, sit back and let the river of time read our story and put it on to the shelf like some numbered company. I wished I had somehow managed to catch your breath in the jars we put all of our butterflies, in. But I fell onto an ocean, no light and nothing to grab on to. No sun, no moon. Just sinking. Just falling. Until breathing halted somewhere underground, somewhere underwater. Darkness turned into nothing. And sometimes, if I listen hard enough, I can hear myself screaming for help from so far down. But I keep going. I will make it shallower waters. I no longer know if it’s your voice, I keep hearing, or if it’s even your scent that clings to my skin. Maybe you’re now more fantasy than memory. Just a collection of wants I poured into a man. You didn’t break my heart. There was no moment of demise, no moment of conscious understanding that the love no longer existed. Instead, pieces of me began disappearing. Fragments, you chipped away carelessly to the ground. Maybe we had the right love at the wrong time. I am just a dewlap. But what you don’t understand is that I am tired of being just that. I am tired of being too much for a man who isn’t willing to commit. I am tired of being the woman who helps become better for the next woman. Tired of being strong all alone with no lover to comfort when I need a shoulder to lean on. Tired of waiting for my turn, something that seems to come right before never. Slowly but surely, I will chew away this pathetic excuse of an exterior. The ground around me will be littered with the old pieces of me. I dare not swallow but I will live it. That now must sing forever in ‘the garden of goodbyes’. You are really in a battle with yourself. You are more frustrated with how you allowed yourself to be treated that way. Upset with letting yourself go, losing who you are and sacrificing so much. But I applaud you for having the courage to wear your heart on your sleeve; All the best on your journey to find an even higher plane of being a deeper fulfillment and a better understanding of yourself. I want you to be happy more than I want you to be mine. Thank you.

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